i dont know what to think. what are you supposed to think when your biggest fears come true? you're no longer 'paranoid', you have just been thinking the truth. a big part of me wishes i went to college this fall instead of next. a big part of me needs to get the fuck out of here. but hey look my heart is here. even if it's currently in need of a little repair. everything i believed in was a lie. so what am i supposed to believe anymore? i'm just wondering when i'll be good enough. i'm just wondering what i do that this always happens? yes, always. every single fucking relationship. i try to be perfect, i try to give you everything, i just want to know what else is there to do. what did i do wrong? can any one of you just tell me that? because i am desperatly trying to understand where i went off track with this. it's making me sick. i can't eat. i'd very much so like to run until i pass out. but then when i wake up, i'll stil be here, the same place i was, with the same questions i've been asking for the past five years. still searching for an answer, and still not recieving one. well maybe i'm just being selfish, because hey we can't get all answers can we? but being selfish is something i need to learn how to do because people walk all over me, everyone sees, i'm afraid to be mean. afraid to just fucking say what i feel. that needs to change right now. if people want me in their life then they need to fucking show me. if not, well it's been a good run and i won't come back from new york to visit you.
maybe this is all my fault. or maybe this is all in my head. maybe i just need to chill the fuck out. i dont know.
there's a lot of people i don't understand. someone you haven't talked to in the past month, haven't done anything to harm them. yet they randomly come and try to destroy your relationship. i don't get it. do you need drama in your life that badly? that you just feel like casually telling my girlfriend that? we don't need any fucking advice or favors from you, so stay the fuck out. you wouldn't even have a relationship if it wasn't for me. but hey look that's just me being me again. if you care so much about someone you're not even friends with why'd you wait so long to tell her? because according to you, you found out like 2 weeks ago. so what just got bored now? decided to stir up some trouble? i don't talk to you anymore so leave me alone. i have one fucking good thing going for me and you have to try to take it away from. well i have one last piece of advice for you. GET A FUCKING LIFE. i tried to help you but i'm so done.
now that i've gotten all that out i think i'll calm down.
i so desperatly want this to work that i'd do anything to prove it. i want you to know how much you mean to me, i just want to find a way. you said to me a few weeks ago, i believe it was the night i was going to brooklyn, "i don't see us ever breaking up." (yes, i have it locked). i want those words to still be true. more than anything i've ever wanted before. i want to make you remember how we used to be, because this is not how we are. you know it, i know it, and i'm sure a lot of other people know it too. we used to be called perfect. and i still think that we are. relationships aren't supposed to be easy. i mean hey yeah it'd be really great if they were but they aren't. they invovle work. -pauses to make 11:11 wish- i don't give up. on anything at all really. you know my kevin jonas quote i don't think i need to recite it again. but that's just how i am. and it's more than ever this time. because this is supposed to work. i know this summer didn't go as we had wanted it too, nobody planned for this. so i'm going to do whatever i can to make up for that. i want you to remember how in love with me you are. i won't rest until thats done...
as for friends? i have two best friends. and another i would really like too if she would just be herself when she talks to me again.
AP Psych time is now.
Current Music: "new again" - tbs
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