insomniatic_hxc

there' s a cemtery deep below the sea, there's the spaces reserved for fools like me.

2009-12-15T17:52:04Z

i'm glad you don't even fucking care. you could atleast a little bit of an effort or i'm sorry are you too busy playing WoW and being high? you'll never fucking learn your lesson will you? why do you think i gave up trying to get through to you. i'm not going to waste my time pretending we are still best friends. or were we? i don't even know anymore. but when someone tells you that their having an awful day your response should not include 1) oh well im having a really great day or 2) did you kiss her yet? the first one is just fucking rude and the second one was completely irrelevant and obviously wouldn't make me feel better. then when i'm trying to have a serious conversation about what i should do you tell me its the stupidest fucking thing i ever said? thanks. a lot. i'm done trying to be your friend. but i'm here if you want me back. because it fucking hurts. i was going to write about you in my speech for great books, but that's all the past now, i don't believe you'd do that for me again.

when i leave i'm not coming back for you unless you step it up.

remember that guy that said for every good thing that happens 5 bad things will? yeah i don't remember him either, but he was right. why is this all happening? and right now? i have no idea. give me a clue? someone? of what i should even be doing in this situation? besides just hiding from people? seriously considering that. take one for the team.

i honestly don't know why i try.

i'm a real big fan of yours

2009-12-14T12:59:56Z

HEY i haven't really written in awhile cause talking to people is better than writing on a virtual journal

well i just wanted to post to say 12.13.09 <3

and everything is gewd as well.

peaceoutsuckaaa

insomniatic_hxc @ 2009-10-14T13:12:00

2009-10-14T17:13:57Z

honestly. i just don't know anymore.
i thought i was getting better, so why do i feel like this?
why can i give other people such good advice yet i refuse to take the advice myself?
i'm doing this to myself, but i'm not strong enough to save me.

i'm probably wasting my time. sitting here, being even remotely optimistic.
i can't help it. i'm still in love with you.

</3

insomniatic_hxc @ 2009-10-10T22:41:00

2009-10-11T02:43:20Z

so i'd have to say today was pretty good.
i got to be in the same room as joseph jonas<3333333
and i got to see denee for the first time in 5 years :D
i am so happy we are talking again. i missed her a lotttttttt.
then i sat by the fire at seanie's house and it was really nice

well i should sleep soon.

ps. letshangoutsoon?ohkay?ohkay.

yes i write songs too!

2009-10-09T21:48:15Z

oh it's raining and i miss you
we never expected this, expected this at all
but when the sun shines, i think of you
and how you're all i wanted, wanted at all

but these times have changed
and you've gone away
i don't know what to do, how to get to you
should i give up? is this bad luck?
just please don't call it fate.

it's late, i toss and turn
think of everything i should have learned
but still my mind goes back to this
am i selfish? or is there something that i missed?

but these times have changed
and you've gone away
i don't know what to do, how to get to you
should i give up? is this bad luck?
just please don't call it fate

and now i don't what to say
i was always known for having my thoughts get in the way
i'm learning now how to breathe and just live
but if you asked me it's still everything i'd give
maybe i'm foolish but this is how i feel
life flashes by feeling so surreal

but these times have changed
and you've gone away
i don't know what to do, how to get to you
should i give up? is this bad luck?
just please don't call it fate

it's getting late now. i think i'll go to bed.
but there's one thing still stuck inside my head.
it's that i love you, and that i will still say
tonight i'll try not let my thoughts get in the way..

insomniatic_hxc @ 2009-10-08T09:38:00

2009-10-08T13:38:25Z

ugghhh. idk. fuck that. i miss you ... </3

my mistake, i didn't know, to be in love you had to fight to have to the upper hand

2009-10-08T13:28:19Z

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

i will never believe in anything again

2009-09-30T20:34:09Z

i'm stuck between wanting to go to college right now...and never wanting to go to college at all.
yeah, i'm freaking out lately. def haven't been myself.

i want to be happy again :[

probably do some ridiculously long writing later tonight......

i kind of love cross country this year. i'm happy at practice.
and i dont really care about sleeping anymore, i need to stay up and watch chelsea lately so i can actually laugh.

wow this was a really depressing post.
whateverrrrrrrrr. im trying.

stationary,stationary

2009-09-24T00:53:01Z

i've been kind of down lately...like idk. whatever i guess.

insomniatic_hxc @ 2009-09-17T21:49:00

2009-09-18T01:58:46Z

whoa. grey's anatomy is deep. makes me want to write.

i really love my girlfriend. like wow. yesterday she was just laying in my arms and it just hit me how fucking lucky am i. this is real. she's really mine. i mean i always know, but when i have those moment of realization it just makes me completely happy. i wish we never had to be apart because when we're together, nothing is ever wrong. i know we're meant to be together, that's why all these challenges where placed in front of us, so we could that we could get through it together. we never gave up, and look where we are now. i feel so confident talking about the future with you, like it's a sure thing because i know it is. i love you. i love you. i love you. i can never say that enough. and i'm constantly trying to get across how much i do. i know our relationship is so strong and everytime i'm with you it just gets stronger. all i need is you, because once i got you, everything else fell into place. and i thank you for making my life so much better than it ever has been.

ohkay finishing.

so. maybe you have an opinion about my relationship that you just can't help but state. well maybe you have no right to judge something you know so little about. because oh hey, weren't you made at a certain someone for "judging you"? well hey, aren't you judging her, and our relationship? i'll have you know that you won't be proven right. and if you really want to so badly...then i guess what you have always really wanted is for me to miserable. because if you haven't put two and two together yet, lauren makes me ridiculously happy. happier than i have ever been. so just saying, us breaking up = me extremely miserable. so idk, maybe thats what your saying? regradless, i don't need your opinion, keep it to yourself, because all your doing is pissing me off and making me feel like shit. so unless that's your motive, i dont know what else to say to you.

sooo basically i love you lauren so much. and i feel like i had something else to say but now i got distracted by a phone call from purchase, oh hey i got accepted. jus sayin. but uhhhh crap, alright i guess im done

<3333333

lawen

2009-09-10T02:08:50Z

i am ridiculously in love with my girlfriend of 5 months (:

<3

2009-09-06T01:58:08Z

i love the feeling i get when i kiss you. and how everything is perfect in your arms.
i know it will never go away.
i love you so much.

she said "i'm jealous of los angeles"

2009-09-04T01:12:31Z

i know it's cold but maybe baby we can stay a little longer and
warm up those toes. the last thing we need is to blow our cover and
i know it's hard. to reconsider what you thought was love.
but i'm so proud of all the plans you're speaking of.

lay with me, stay with me now.
oh, cause you are all i think about.

and i don't know if i can handle this, the thought of being without you.

insomniatic_hxc @ 2009-09-01T12:15:00

2009-09-01T16:16:02Z

can you just take me back to when we were happy.

thanks.

i am, ready to be new again.

2009-09-01T15:18:19Z

i dont know what to think. what are you supposed to think when your biggest fears come true? you're no longer 'paranoid', you have just been thinking the truth. a big part of me wishes i went to college this fall instead of next. a big part of me needs to get the fuck out of here. but hey look my heart is here. even if it's currently in need of a little repair. everything i believed in was a lie. so what am i supposed to believe anymore? i'm just wondering when i'll be good enough. i'm just wondering what i do that this always happens? yes, always. every single fucking relationship. i try to be perfect, i try to give you everything, i just want to know what else is there to do. what did i do wrong? can any one of you just tell me that? because i am desperatly trying to understand where i went off track with this. it's making me sick. i can't eat. i'd very much so like to run until i pass out. but then when i wake up, i'll stil be here, the same place i was, with the same questions i've been asking for the past five years. still searching for an answer, and still not recieving one. well maybe i'm just being selfish, because hey we can't get all answers can we? but being selfish is something i need to learn how to do because people walk all over me, everyone sees, i'm afraid to be mean. afraid to just fucking say what i feel. that needs to change right now. if people want me in their life then they need to fucking show me. if not, well it's been a good run and i won't come back from new york to visit you.

maybe this is all my fault. or maybe this is all in my head. maybe i just need to chill the fuck out. i dont know.

there's a lot of people i don't understand. someone you haven't talked to in the past month, haven't done anything to harm them. yet they randomly come and try to destroy your relationship. i don't get it. do you need drama in your life that badly? that you just feel like casually telling my girlfriend that? we don't need any fucking advice or favors from you, so stay the fuck out. you wouldn't even have a relationship if it wasn't for me. but hey look that's just me being me again. if you care so much about someone you're not even friends with why'd you wait so long to tell her? because according to you, you found out like 2 weeks ago. so what just got bored now? decided to stir up some trouble? i don't talk to you anymore so leave me alone. i have one fucking good thing going for me and you have to try to take it away from. well i have one last piece of advice for you. GET A FUCKING LIFE. i tried to help you but i'm so done.

now that i've gotten all that out i think i'll calm down.

i so desperatly want this to work that i'd do anything to prove it. i want you to know how much you mean to me, i just want to find a way. you said to me a few weeks ago, i believe it was the night i was going to brooklyn, "i don't see us ever breaking up." (yes, i have it locked). i want those words to still be true. more than anything i've ever wanted before. i want to make you remember how we used to be, because this is not how we are. you know it, i know it, and i'm sure a lot of other people know it too. we used to be called perfect. and i still think that we are. relationships aren't supposed to be easy. i mean hey yeah it'd be really great if they were but they aren't. they invovle work. -pauses to make 11:11 wish- i don't give up. on anything at all really. you know my kevin jonas quote i don't think i need to recite it again. but that's just how i am. and it's more than ever this time. because this is supposed to work. i know this summer didn't go as we had wanted it too, nobody planned for this. so i'm going to do whatever i can to make up for that. i want you to remember how in love with me you are. i won't rest until thats done...

as for friends? i have two best friends. and another i would really like too if she would just be herself when she talks to me again.

AP Psych time is now.

insomniatic_hxc @ 2009-08-29T10:39:00

2009-08-29T14:45:25Z

so cross country started this morning, we didn't really do much just a 15 min run in the rain. but i felt weird introducing myself a sen10r. likeewhoaaamanchillout i'm a sen10rrrrr.
well anyway yeah that was chill so whatevaaa.

today i have two games in a dome, that should be interesting. playing indoors is always weird cause you have to use softee's which is lameee.

school starts soooon. i'm excited. i'm ready for sen10r year cause i'm going to make it really good. just as soon as i finish my AP Psych book =P

i miss my babyyy. but i know soon i'll get to see her everyday and spend a whole period together <3 i love her sosomuch, i can't even begin to describe what she means to me. (although i did last night until my whole thing was rudely erased by recieving a text message!)

well i'm pretty sure that's all i've got for now.

peaceoutsucka.

insomniatic_hxc @ 2009-08-29T01:49:00

2009-08-29T05:49:18Z

well i'm never posting from my phone again cause i had this huge thing written and then i got a text and the whole thing disappeared. fucckkkthat. i'l rewrite it in the morning.

iloveyoulauren<333

send it on

2009-08-29T03:29:07Z

a word's just a word, until you mean what you say.
and love isn't love, until you give it away.

i love you <3

Writer's Block: Technology & My Future

2009-08-28T01:04:44Z

How do you think technology will impact your future?

Presented by Intel, Sponsors of Tomorrow.

View 247 Answers

hm. whocaresssssssss

insomniatic_hxc @ 2009-08-26T10:08:00

2009-08-26T14:09:12Z

six days of summer left. six days to finish my psych book and essay. six days to get all my stuff.

six days untill everything goes back to normal?

ifuckinghopeso.

hey child; things are guna get easier

2009-08-17T17:30:52Z

things are getting a little bit better and i'll take what i can get for now. not guna take any chances, just guna wait it out because i know it's worth. school starts in 2 weeks then i get to see you everyday. hopefully soon i can drive you to school (since that is the reason i took a 1st period >:|) but anyway i just felt like posting probably because im trying to avoid my blank word document that should be filled with words of my autobiography for ap psych. i have not written in quite awhile it used to be really easyyy, like my memoir was a fucking book! hopefully once i figure out how to start it the rest will just flow. so i should finish that and my college essay today. going to apply sometime soon :) and well thats pretty much allllllll.

iloveyouuuuuuu<3

But here I go, it's what I feel. And for the first time in my life I know it's real...

2009-08-04T01:14:59Z

So after reading Siddhartha I was inspired to listen to the river, see if maybe it has something to say to me. And it actually did. No, I don't think the river actually spoke to me, it just sent me a message.

Life is a lot like a river. A river flows on and eventually it gets to a rapid but then it slows down again hits another rapid but eventually it empties out into a pond, a lake, or something, and is calm. This can be symbolic of life. Our struggles are like the rapids, but once we get past them, we get to calm. There's a lot of rapids in some rivers, and in life there are a lot of struggles. But if you stick it out, eventually you'll make it to the lake.

The river spoke to me. It told me that everything is going to be okay. Everything I'm going through has a purpose and once I get through it, everything will be alright; it'll be better.

I know we're going to be alright, we're going to get through this, and once we do, whatever else we face won't seem so hard when we look back on this. I know our love is that strong.

I love you Lauren, more than anyone could possibly know.

But you're so hypnotizing
You got me laughing while I sing
You got me smiling in my sleep
And I can see this unraveling
You're love is where I'm falling
So please don't catch me
If this is love please don't break me
I'm giving up so
Just catch me

this love is difficult, but it's real.

2009-07-17T22:01:05Z

so idk how i got there, but i was watching this video of Spashley to Taylor Swift's "Love Story". First of all, superb video. Second of all, it's like my life!

Like I've always related my life to South of Nowhere but it just made me think. I'm Ashley, Lauren's Spencer, and we even have Sean as Aiden! And then the whole Mrs. Carlin thing, it's like identical! But anyway, I don't know, it just made me want to write. Cause well, I know it's a tv show, but I think they were a pretty perfect couple, maybe comparable to us. And then they ended up being together forever, and everything worked out. Which I know is typical of a TV show, but i'm just saying, I have a lot of faith in this, because we have a lot of love. And I think our connection can withstand anything. One thing being distance. It was just make us cherish the moments that we have together, even though I already do that everytime I get to see you.

I know it's really hard. Not talking a lot, and barely seeing each other. It's probably the hardest thing I've ever had to go through because I know it's not far. But there's always going to be a light at the end of the tunnel, and I know we'll find ours, together. I still feel like the luckiest girl in the world for meeting you, and getting to call you mine. You truly changed my life. And you'll see that in my autobiography and college essay! That I normally wouldn't anyone read, cause I know everyone says I'm a great writer but I'm still all >.<. But anyway, I guess what i'm trying to say is that I've found that unconditional love that will last a lifetime. That can conquer anything, and get through it all. Our love will bring us through this, and we believe in that, we'll make it.

I love you Lauren Kathryn Maile, more than words can say. Although I always try to put it into words and fail.

Spencer + Ashley = Spashley

Lauren + Christene = ??? or Christene + Lauren = ???

I'll think about that and get back to you. But feel free to share your ideas. Because we are definitely a perfect enough couple to get a lame-but-cute nickname like that. (:

insomniatic_hxc @ 2009-07-11T17:51:00

2009-07-11T21:52:07Z

i'm real excited about this song im learning on guitar for you.
it's a little bit hard, but i'ma do it (:
i've never felt this strongly about anyone else that i would actually take the time to learn guitar to play for them.
or sing to them.

i love you roo.

3 <3

2009-07-09T18:02:42Z

so i know justin bieber is like...14? but whatever. i love his song, "one time" and it's pretty much perfect for how i feel about you.

When I met you girl my heart went knock knock
Now them butterflies in my stomach wont stop stop
And even though it's a struggle love is all we got
So we gonna keep keep climbin till the mountain top

Your world is my world
And my fight is your fight
My breath is your breath
And your heart (I got my)

Your my One love
My one heart
My one life for sure

so yeah 3 months, i extrememly bummed that i can't go to the beach with you like i'm planned, and i'm even more bummed that i can barely talk to you. but it's ohkay. we made it this far. and you know, abscence makes the heart grow fonder. and gina said something "love will find a way. it always does. somehow it will find a way." so yeah i'm putting a lot of faith in that. but really if i don't see you soon. asdjhasjhsad idek! especially because i go to ohio in like two weeks? i'm going to find a way to see you i really don't care what i have to do. because i really want to give you what i made. i worked really hard on it and i think you'll love it. i miss you like crazy, i hope you miss me soon. and i hope i hear from you soon. i love you.

If it's you and me forever.
If it's you and me right now, I'd be alright.
If we chase the stars to lose our shadows
Peter Pan and Wendy turned out fine
So won't you fly with me. -Nick Jonas